BC Council for Families

by Rosanne Farnden Lyster

There's no guarantee that affairs won't happen.  But you can reduce the risks.

Puncture-proof tires. Child-proof lids. Spill-proof containers. Are these claims real? Not really. Most of us have seen a three-year-old open a child-proof lid or lock. I have the messes in my fridge to prove that spill-proof containers don't always live up to their name. And don't even get me started on the topic of puncture-proof tires! The reality is that none of these products are perfect, but they do make some great inroads.

Can you affair-proof a marriage? Can you do anything to guarantee that one or both marriage partners won't wander from the fold? That is a good question to be asking.

Can a marriage be affair-proofed? Unfortunately, we cannot guarantee that affairs won't happen. But we can reduce the risks. Child-proof caps don't guarantee that children won't get into the medicine bottle—but they greatly increase the likelihood that kids will be kept out. The same is true with marriages. While we can't guarantee an affair-proofed marriage, we can, I believe, put strategies and systems into place that will significantly decrease the likelihood of an affair. Whether an affair happens or not is not 100% seated within the context of the marriage. But if individuals and couples make a conscious effort, the risk of an affair can be significantly reduced.

As I reflect on the books I have read on the subject of affairs, and on the couples I have worked with where an extra-marital affair has been part of their past or present history, three key components emerge. The elements that seem to prevent affairs are:

•     attention and due care
•     boundaries
•     commitment

Somewhat conveniently, these components begin with ABC. So now, as the song from the Sound of Music suggests, let's start at the beginning.

Attention and due care

I always find it both frustrating and sad when I sit with a couple—either in a professional or personal capacity—and hear about the demise of their relationship. Maybe there had been an affair. Maybe the flame has burnt out. Maybe it can be rekindled. Perhaps it cannot. What I find both frustrating and grievous is the common element of neglect. As couples, so much else in our lives demands our time and energy that all too often, our relationship does not receive the due care and attention that it both deserves and requires. When a relationship is neglected, it loses its spark. It becomes like a carbonated beverage that has sat on the counter uncapped for too long - it's flat. Or like the once hot cup of coffee that cools as the morning progresses until at lunch time it is found cold. It seems that the flat and cool times in relationships are the times when individuals are most vulnerable.

That is not to say that just because a relationship has a cool or spark-less period that an affair is inevitable or excusable. Nor is it to imply that even the strongest marriage does not have its down times. What I am talking about here is our need to nurture our relationships to help them to be as healthy as possible. This effort is important if we truly want to engage in affair-proofing.

One aspect of relationships that is commonly missing—or at least experiences neglect—is an effective pattern of communication. This dynamic has been the topic of countless books, pamphlets and seminars, and is worthy of this volume. We all know that clear communication that is both sent and received accurately and respectfully goes a long way to sustaining the health of a relationship. I never cease to be amazed at the poverty of this element for too many couples. Building affair-proof marriages demands that communication be given due care and attention. Many marriage enrichment/encounter programs have an excellent tool that they give couples for building this area of their relationship. Often called the couple dialogue, this process asks couples to set aside a block of time each day to engage in meaningful conversation in a structured way. Such a process encourages due care and attention.

Clear expectations are another essential area of due care - especially when it comes to preventing affairs. It is so curious to me that many couples don't talk about what their expectations are of marriage. One helpful way for couples to address one aspect of expectations is to sit down together with a copy of their marriage vows and talk about what they mean. (Common-law couples might want to draw up a set of vows for themselves.) What does it mean to pledge to love “'til death do us part?” What does it mean to forsake all others? Reviewing these vows regularly - perhaps as part of their anniversary celebrations could be very meaningful. In very specific terms related to the prevention of affairs, couples need to talk about how they can affair-proof their marriage. They need to talk about how each defines an affair.

I found the book Grow Up! by Frank Pittman to have some refreshing insight on due care and attention in marriage. He claims that one of the important pieces is good manners - "Intimacy need not be rude" (p.194). It is strange sometimes that the most obvious needs to be pointed out. When we neglect our relationship, it is all too easy to become rude and uncharitable with our mate. All too often, we extend more goodwill towards strangers than the one with whom our intention was to form a loving relationship 'til death do us part. At the Northwest Regional Conference of the National Council on Family Relations in Seattle, WA (July 1996), Wes Burr presented a fascinating piece of research. He has found that it is not skill that is the hallmark of health in relationships. Instead, it is kindness. I'd rather be in a relationship where I am treated with kindness—wouldn't you?

Pittman also talks about the fact that many people need to face up to reality. In his presentation of an eight-stage life cycle of intimate couples, I was reminded that couples need to be aware of some of the normative and predictable turning points. One stage he cites is “the end of romance.” Pittman claims that, “Romance and marriage are basically incompatible” (p. 177). He makes this claim because, from his perspective, "romance is about escape from reality" (p. 177) and marriage forces us to face and deal with reality. As Peggy Vaughn suggests in The Monogamy Myth, too often we think we need and deserve the romance of the fairy tales, but quite simply, it is rarely constant over the long run of a couple. It is, in fact, the stuff of fairy tales. I admit, I love it when it appears. But too often, people go looking for this feeling outside their marriage, because they wrongly assume that romance is what relationships are all about.

Other areas of relationships that fall victim to neglect include just about every dimension: conflict resolution, finances, couple time, sexuality, spirituality, roles and expectations. Affair-proofing marriages means that all of the key elements receive due care and attention. Fatigue from day-to-day stressors can take their toll on a relationship—here's a simple exercise you and your partner can do to help renew your energy.

Boundaries

Each of us as individuals needs to have healthy boundaries for ourselves. This is also key in a strong relationship - both individuals must have healthy personal boundaries. In his book Boundaries and Relationships, Charles Whitfield proposes that a boundary “delineates where I and my physical space end and where you and yours begin” (p. 1). Essentially, a boundary is much like a cell wall, which is a “semi-permeable membrane. When it functions correctly, the cell wall keeps poisons out, lets nutrients in, and excretes waste. It also defines the existence of the cell by separating it from other cells” (p. 1). The healthy cell knows if it is a stomach or a brain cell.

Healthy boundaries help an individual to know:

•     who they are
•     what to keep out
•     what to let in
•     what to get rid of

Healthy boundaries help us to know who can be close to us, and how close they can be. Just as healthy personal boundaries provide one of the bases for a relationship, healthy couple boundaries are needed to ensure that the intimacy prevails and the relationship is stable.

The semi-permeable membrane of the cell nurtures and protects the cell. It gives it life. The same is true for boundaries in a marriage. The cell walls keep poison out. We need to know individually, and as a couple, what is poison to the stability and endurance of the relationship. How emotionally intimate can you become with someone outside of the marriage without threatening the marriage? How much time can you spend away? What level of sexual fantasy (if any) is acceptable? Some of these boundaries must be established by the individual because only he or she knows what poses a threat to their ongoing involvement in the relationship.

Other boundaries need to be set by the couple. In his book, The Heart of Commitment (1998), Scott Stanley proposes that boundaries are vital to marriage. Drawing from the book of Malachi, Stanley sets out this ancient piece of wisdom, “So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Ma. 2:15b NIV) He notes that the Hebrew word for “guard” here is shamar—a word that literally means “to set a hedge of protection around something. Practically, it means attend to and to be aware of something dangerous so as to protect your marriage. In North America, our hedges are usually not too intimidating” (p. 55). Stanley notes that the hedges at the time of Malachi “would have been large, thick, often thorny hedges that would have been nearly impossible to get through. It was not a three-foot high row of bushes, but an obstacle substantial enough to provide real protection” (p. 55).

In terms of preventing affairs, the boundaries we set sometimes do need to be pretty big and intimidating hedges. For some individuals or couples, an area such as sexual intimacy may need external boundaries that are inflexible, towering structures. For others, an aspect such as the use of time may be the one needing the hedge. We all need to be conscious about where the boundaries of our relationship are, what dimensions we need conscious boundaries around, and the extent of those boundaries. Each person must take responsibility for maintaining them.

Boundaries keep the unhealthy elements out. Going back to the illustration of the cell, we find that healthy boundaries also allow for the organism to be nourished and to eliminate wastes. In order to prevent affairs, relationships need ongoing means or systems for receiving nurture. (Attending enrichment events, going on dates, developing and practicing skills, taking the time to connect), and the day-to-day garbage that is part of being human (disappointment, external pressures, unresolved conflict, etc.).

Finally, going back to the example of the cell, the wall defines the organism, letting it know what it is. Boundaries do the same for people who are part of a couple. Boundaries around the relationship tell you that you are not single and available - instead, you are one who is committed to another.

Commitment

“...and I promise to be faithful to you, forsaking all others.” In such or similar words, many couples come to make their final vows to each other at the time of the marriage. As they do this, they are pledging their commitment one to another.

Stanley's book, The Heart of Commitment, provides some excellent insight into this dimension, particularly as it applies to the prevention of affairs. When we commit to something, says Stanley, we are implying that something or things are being left behind. We take on a new set of priorities, and becoming committed means that we “make choices that reflect our priorities” (p. 7). Sometimes commitment requires that we actively grieve that which was not chosen. This needs to be recognized as true. Commitment means that our choices will be limited, and we may need to grieve the fact that something or somebody is not longer available to us because of the priorities we have chosen to make.

Stanley provides a very helpful breakdown of commitment into two elements: dedication and constraint. Dedication is “an intense state of devotion to a person or project” (p. 11). Dedication involves a forward projection. It is a “motivation based in thoughtful decisions to follow a certain path and give it your best” (p. 11). Constraint is the aspect of commitment that involves a sense of obligations. What would the costs be to me and you if I ascended this path? Stanley notes that while dedication draws us forward toward health, obligation pushes us from behind. Constraints aren't things that contribute to greater intimacy, but they will often keep us on the right track.

A key aspect of commitment, says Stanley, is choice—daily, monthly, yearly choices. To be actively committed we make choices, protect choices from other options and arrive at decisions that reflect the priority of our commitments. This is of particular interest when it comes to preventing affairs. The prevention of an affair says that we need to protect our choice (couple relationship) from other choices that are out there. Surely that is the root of it. Doing whatever is necessary to protect the choice we made to be with our spouse. Really, options can't be left open when there is commitment.

People need to know, points out Stanley, that when you “pick one path, it is natural to wonder about the others” (p. 50). This becomes especially evident when our relationship is experiencing various elements of neglect. Then the grass may well seem greener on the other side of the fence. Commitment means, however, that we set limits on our wondering—and we don't act on anything that will threaten the relationship. In one research study, it became clear that people who had a stronger sense of dedication were more perceptive of which attractive alternatives might be posing a risk to their relationship. In response to the threat, those with high levels of commitment actually engage in a process of internally devaluing the attractiveness of the alternatives as a means of protecting their commitment (p. 52). This may be a process we need to teach couples about—rather than obsessing on an attractive alternative, and building on its attractiveness, making a conscious effort to actively decrease the attractiveness through cognitive measures.

Attention and due care, boundaries and commitment—all of these elements are closely linked. All of them are key to the process of affair-proofing relationships. As we seek to help couples develop relationships that are as affair-proof as possible, I hope we are more effective than the inventors of child-proof lids and locks.

References

Pittman, Frank (1998). Grow up! New York: Golden Books.

Stanley, Scott (1998). The heart of commitment. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Vaughan, Peggy (1998). The monogamy myth: a personal handbook for recovering from affairs. Newmarket Press.

Whitfield, Charles (1993). Boundaries and relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications Inc.

Time for ourselves

Do you sometimes feel run off your feet? Be honest - all of us do. Hopefully, it is just from time to time. For many, the feeling of fatigue becomes chronic. The many demands on our time, real or perceived expectations, the pressure of keeping it all in balance leave many in a state of exhaustion. It's not something we can afford to take for granted. Being exhausted not only affects our personal well being, it has a negative impact on our ability to give our relationship the due care and attention it both needs and deserves.

This exercise is designed to help couples identify the sources and effects of fatigue. Use it as a starting point for finding ways to renew yourself and your marriage. Answer these questions individually, then talk together about your answers:

   1. What are the sources of my fatigue?
   2. When I am tired, what other feelings do I experience? (Irritation? Depression? Sadness?)
   3. How do I behave when I am tired?
   4. How does my fatigue affect our relationship? (and other people)
   5. What specific thing can I do to reduce my fatigue?
   6. What effects does your fatigue have on me?
   7. What do I think you can do to reduce your fatigue?
   8. What helps me to regain my energy?

Set some specific actions you can take individually, and as a couple to renew your energy this week.

This exercise was adapted from an exercise called “I'm Too Tired Tonight” from the resource files of ACME. Used with permission.

This article first appeared in Concerning Couples, a newsletter for marriage education providers in Family Connections (Summer 1999), published by the BC Council for Families.