BC Council for Families

by Dianne Noort

The important ingredients to quality parenting can still be there no matter what the makeup of your family.

It was with trepidation that I read through the articles the family court counsellor had given me. Here I was, one of the statistics, applying for divorce and, as part of the package, joint custody and guardianship. Research on children from divorced families is grim. Findings suggest that these children are more at risk for problems in school, in the community, and in adult relationships.

Armed with these nettlesome thoughts, I waded into the next chapter of my life, trying to redefine my definition of a family and learn how to delicately co-parent. There were several things I knew for certain. One was that my commitment to my children was stronger than ever. Another was that I had many skills and had always been a good parent. And finally, so was their father.

We began by having the kids live with each of us for two weeks at a time. In the beginning, separation issues were at the forefront for everyone. If parents are going to share time this way, it is necessary to reduce as much of the stress of changing homes as possible. It is essential that both parents live within a reasonable distance of the school. Positive attitudes prevailing, we all talked about other situations in life where children change homes; for example, those students who attend boarding schools, or who aspire to be athletes or musicians or actors and must live in homes away from home for lengths of time.

Small things, like having toothbrushes, toys, etc. at both homes helped reduce the number of items that had to be transferred. Our children did not want a separate set of clothes at each place so we purchased roomy and stylish duffel bags for packing clothing in. On “change-over” days, we quickly discovered that it is best not to have anything else planned, as quiet time helped everyone adjust.

Other areas more difficult to impact upon are the children's friends, parents' friends, and the school. When your children's friends call and they are at the other parent's, it works best to just say “Oh, she's at her dad's this week. Do you have the number?” Kids accept these things quite easily. If my son or daughter wanted to make arrangements to get together with a friend from school or in the neighbourhood where their father lives, it helped if I could accommodate and drive them over or pick them up. Asking extra favours or changing set custody times muddies the water for everyone.

Clear boundaries around times are important. If I had invitations from my friends to do things during the two weeks the kids were with me, I prioritized my time and often limited my social activities during those two weeks. The school seemed easily confused at first about where the children were, and at times made me feel that they were making hurtful assumptions about the kind of care or family my children came from. However, this assumption is often made by many people, agencies, groups, sports clubs, etc. I decided that the way to deal with this is not to get defensive, but to educate them. Talk to your child's teachers (yes—even at the high school level), group leaders, and coaches. People are more willing to understand your situation if they get to know you a little. Do not be ashamed of your new family definitions; be positive and be proud.

We have been co-parenting for years now. The children's father and I have learned how to manage our anxiety when talking to each other, and communicate freely when discussing concerns about the children. When dealing with a specific problem our son was having, for example, the three of us went out for coffee several times for family meetings. Our son is now 17 and our daughter is 12. Both are exploring the world in ways that are normal for their developmental stages. They know and expect that they can rely on us for guidance and help as they need it. It has not been easy and has taken a great deal of energy. We are not perfect, and must work through problems as they come up. But then, how many parents find parenting effortless?

As we have strived to reshape our family, we have grown stronger and have become better able to respond to each others' needs without the overlay of being a divorced family. I have learned that the important ingredients to quality parenting can still be there no matter what the makeup of your family. My children have learned that, with hard work, it is possible to work through tough times. They have a resiliency and an ability to meet life's challenges without defeating themselves before they try. It is important that we believe in ourselves and our families. Using terms like broken home, single parent family, or divorced family supports the ideas that a family is only a whole family if there are two parents. Perhaps in the beginning of a changing family's identity, these terms might describe what happened to create the change, but acceptance of reshaped families in their new identity will go a long way to inspire much-needed support for all families.

This article first appeared in “Healthier Youth” and was reprinted with permission in Family Connections (Summer, 1996), published by the BC Council for Families.