BC Council for Families

All children have basic needs which are the same in all family structures. Fathers meet these needs through the different roles they play.

Children of Separated Parents have special needs:

• A good relationship with both Mom and Dad.

• Protection from conflict that may occur after divorce or separation.
• Stability and Security. Mom and Dad don’t have to parent in exactly the same way, but need to offer good parental care and stable routines.

Your Children’s Feelings:

Children of separated and divorced parents need lots of help dealing with their questions, fears and feelings.

• Children need to know that Mom and Dad love them and it’s OK to love both Mom and Dad.
• Fathers need to be attentive to children’s moods and emotional needs.
• Fathers can help children to develop resiliency: the ability to bounce back from stressful situations.

Your Ex-Partner: Working Things Out

After separation parents should switch from a personal relationship to more of a business relationship. That may take some special effort.

• It’s best for children if their separated parents work as a team as much as possible.
• Negotiation is one of the most important skills of divorced and separated parents.
• Keeping conflict with your ex-spouse to a minimum is good for your children and good for you as well.
• Some conflict between ex-spouses is due to misunderstanding or incomplete information that comes from children. Remember to “check it out”.

Fatherhood After Separation:  Challenges & Personal Issues

Separated fathers are often dealing with significant personal issues that can affect their relationship with their children and their parenting as well.

• If you are having problems like low self esteem or anger is important to deal with those issues for your own sake and the sake of your children.
• Learn to separate your personal feelings about your ex-partner from your relationship with your children and your parenting. Seeking outside help if you need it shows that you care about your children.
• Your new relationships affect your children. Bring a new person into your children’s lives gradually and carefully.

The Parent You’d Like To Be

Separation and divorce involve a tremendous amount of change. It takes time to adjust.

• Separated fathers need to get used to looking after all aspects of childcare themselves.
• Look for lots of little ways to stay in touch with you children when you can’t be with them.
• Strong feeling can sometimes get in the way of being the parent you want to be. Be aware of that and learn to deal with your feelings separately so you can be the father you want to be.
• Children of divorced parents need a “real Dad” not a special event Dad.

Excerpted from the booklet Full-time Dad: Part-time Kids produced by the Father Involvement Initiative-Ontario Network and available for purchase from the BC Council for Families.