BC Council for Families

Marriage preparation … who needs it?

Anyone who is thinking of getting married can benefit from marriage preparation. The best time to take marriage preparation is at least four to six months prior to the wedding.

Everybody?

Everybody. No matter how well you know each other, and even if you've been living together, being married is very different from not being married. Even people who have been married before benefit from marriage preparation. Unfortunately, second marriages break down as often as first ones do. (There are often separate courses for people marrying for a second or subsequent time, covering such topics as stepfamilies and former spouses.)

What is it?

There are two approaches to marriage preparation. The first are marriage preparation courses that feature an interactive learning process. Don't be fazed by the fancy label. All it means is that couples are encouraged to take an active part. It is not just a question of sitting down and listening to lectures. As a couple you will have a chance to talk to each other about what you are learning. However, you won't be asked to share anything private or confidential with the group as a whole.

The second approach is premarital counselling. Here a couple preparing for marriage will sit down with a counsellor to examine their relationship. Much of the content covered will be the same as the group course. Private counselling just provides you with the opportunity to go into a little more depth.

Who does it?

Marriage preparation providers come from a variety of backgrounds. Some are professional educators, some are counsellors, some are married couples. Some are religiously based, and some are not. All of them are trained to provide marriage preparation opportunities. As a wise consumer though, you will want to ask questions about their training and experience.

Why do they do it?

Everybody involved in marriage preparation wants to do something to help give people a better chance of building a satisfying marriage. We firmly believe that even a solid relationship can be made stronger. The divorce rate is quite alarming, and more so is the number of unhappy couples. We would like to help you avoid these grievous situations.

Who pays for it?

Most couples who take marriage preparation pay a fee. Churches and agencies supporting some of courses also contribute. If the fee seems high to you, first consider the amount you are paying for your wedding. If you are not able to pay, consider suggesting to friends and relatives that this would be an excellent wedding present.

What does marriage preparation cover?

The details of marriage preparation differ from opportunity to opportunity. However, the goal is to help you recognize and build upon the strengths of your relationship and to identify and discuss potential trouble spots. Most marriage preparation covers the important areas of communication, conflict resolution and intimacy.

Oh, is that all?

We realize that communication, conflict resolution and intimacy are enormously wide topic areas. If they weren't, there would be no need to guide people through them. Besides, engaged couples are often too busy up on cloud nine to give these issues the attention they deserve.

What else is discussed?

This really depends on the marriage preparation opportunity that you choose. But other topics that may be covered include: how your parents' marriages may affect yours; cultural differences; religious issues; myths about marriage; realistic expectations; careers and marriage; family and friends; life stages; how to manage your finances; family planning; and commitment.

What happened to being in love?

Nothing, thank goodness. Being in love is still as blissful as ever. But we have found that love is not enough. Bliss won't carry you through the bumpy bits that every marriage encounters at some time or the other. Love may be blind, but it doesn't have to be dumb! Marriage preparation encourages you to communicate with each other about issues that you might not think about while you are caught up in the whirl of planning for your wedding.

Will it work?

We would love to send you off with a written guarantee that having completed marriage preparation, you will live happily ever after. Obviously we can't do that. However, we can tell you that people who have already done marriage preparation say that they think that it has helped give them new skills in building their relationships. In short, we believe that taking marriage preparation will help get your marriage off to a good start.

Where do we start?

Ask the person who is conducting your wedding. They may have a marriage preparation opportunity that they prefer.