BC Council for Families

by Jean McBride

Parents in step-families have special roles and responsibilities.  Find out what it take to succeed in these unique families.

Successfully parenting children in a stepfamily is a challenge for both the biological parent and the stepparent. For each there are specialized roles and responsibilities that when carried out ensure a great measure of success for the entire family. The problem is that oftentimes neither the biological parent nor the stepparent has even the foggiest idea of what these roles and responsibilities are. Instead, stepparents enter the family with high hopes, unrealistic expectations and minimal information. They end up describing the process of parenting their partner's children with words like: difficult, horrible, exhausting, unrewarding, like walking into a field with hidden land mines. Biological parents who likely have those same high hopes, unrealistic expectations and lack of information use powerful words when describing the experience of parenting in the stepfamily. From them we hear terms like: confusing, disappointing, exhausting, caught in the middle, like I cannot win. For these adults, life in the stepfamily is coloured by the problems and unrewarding experiences of trying to parent the children. One can only imagine what the experience is for the children.

Roles and responsibilities

What then are the roles and responsibilities for each adult in the stepfamily that hold the keys to success for parenting? Much of the responsibility for success rests with the biological parent. It is the biological parent who sets the tone for the family and eases the introduction of the stepparent into the family. Because the biological parent has the relationship with the children it is his/her job in the beginning to define for children the expectations of how to treat the stepparent. In the first year to 18 months of the stepfamily, the biological parent must continue to be the primary parent to the children and the primary disciplinarian.

This is not to suggest the stepparent has no role. In the early stages of the stepfamily, the stepparent's task is to make connections with the children and forge a relationship. By remaining the primary parent, the biological parent allows the children and stepparent the crucial time they need to get to know one another. One of the unspoken and typically unrealistic expectations of the biological parent is that the stepparent will automatically become an active, involved co-parent thus easing the parenting burden. This is a set up for failure. Stepfathers are set up to come into the family and immediately become the father and disciplinarian. Stepmothers are set up to be the nurturer and organizer for the family. Without the time and effort spent creating a relationship between children and stepparent, children are unlikely to accept the stepparent in either the role of disciplinarian or nurturer. It is truly a delicate dance where the dancers must each step with intention.

Regarding discipline in the early stages of the family, professionals suggest using the “babysitter model” where the biological parent empowers the stepparent with authority to impose discipline. For example, when parents go out for the evening they are likely to instruct their babysitter about bedtime snacks, bed time, use of television, etc. And then the babysitter is able to say, “Your mom said the bedtime is 8:30.” In applying this model in the stepfamily, if the biological parent is unavailable to be the primary disciplinarian, he/she says to give instructions for the care of the children to the stepparent in front of the children. For example, “Jenny needs to practice piano for an hour tonight before she watches television.” This way, the stepparent is only carrying out the biological parent's wishes rather than imposing discipline of his/her own. After the first year to 18 months, and a relationship exists between stepparent and children, this model can be eased out as both parents share a more equal role in guiding the children.

One of the biggest pitfalls for stepparents in parenting is trying too hard. Because they have good intentions and want to help their partners and feel like family, stepparents often push for a relationship before one actually exists. They may try to be a parent or even insist on being a parent far too early in the development of the family. Stepparents can assume many roles other than parent with the children—friend, mentor, coach, caring adult. The more interested adults that children have in their lives, the better they fare. When stepparents can trust the process, so to speak, and allow the new family to develop at its own speed, the potential for success increases significantly.

Tips for success

Here are some tips for success for each of the adults in a stepfamily.

For the biological parent

• Become very good at listening. Listen to your partner, your children and yourself.
• Keep your partner informed about parenting decisions you make, about events in your children's lives, etc.
• Set a tone of acceptance and respect in the family.
• Spend time alone with your partner.
• Spend time alone with your children.
• Take the role of primary disciplinarian.
• Maintain realistic expectations. Becoming a family takes time.
• Allow your partner and your children to get acquainted on their terms.
• Allow/encourage your children to have a relationship with their other biological parent.
• If your partner is new to parenting, be understanding. You didn't learn to be a parent overnight.
• Remain open, flexible, and positive.

For the stepparent

• Define your role. Talk with your partner and find out his/her expectations and let him know yours.
• Learn to live with the reality of ex-spouses.
• Be patient. Relationships take time to develop.
• Spend time with your stepchildren getting to know them and allowing them to get to know you.
• Avoid the immediate role of primary nurturer or disciplinarian for the family. Allow this to develop along with the relationships you are building.
• Set time aside for your own interests and activities.
• Encourage your partner and his children to spend some time together without you.
• Maintain good boundaries in the family. Stepchildren's actions do not necessarily directly reflect on you.
• If you are new to parenting, educate yourself. Take a parenting class, read, talk with other parents.
• Treat stepchildren with respect. Even if you do not love your stepchildren, it is important for you as one of the adults in their lives to contribute to providing a safe, healthy living environment.

Jean McBride, MS, is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in private practice in Fort Collins,
Colorado. She is President of the Centre for Divorce and Remarriage
Inc. and Co-director of Divorce Transitions Inc.

This article first appeared in Family Connections (Summer 1999), published by the BC Council for Families.