BC Council for Families

by Marie O'Neill

Understanding your children's reactions to your divorce and how you can support them during the transition.

How will divorce affect my kids? This is one of the most emotionally pressing questions for parents, both during and after the decision to separate. While the answer to this question is as diverse as the families and children involved, there are some feelings, concerns, and needs common to most children going through this process. There are also some general guidelines that will enable parents to help their children.

First of all, it is very important that parents start with themselves. One of the most significant factors in determining how a divorce will affect children is how the parents and other significant adults in their lives are handling the divorce. Children are in the unenviable and vulnerable position of sitting in the last car on the roller coaster ride we call divorce…and they get to go on whatever roller coaster ride their parents take them on! It is important, therefore, for parents to be as pro-active as possible by starting with themselves.

Starting with themselves means taking care of themselves emotionally, socially, legally, and financially. Taking care of oneself emotionally means acknowledging the presence of many feelings. Parents may experience feelings of anger, isolation, anxiety, euphoria, depression, guilt, loss of control, fear, incompetence, and insecurity. At times, parents feel they have failed their children, and doubt their own worth. These feelings, as mixed-up and confusing as they may be, are a natural part of separation and divorce.

Managing this emotional process while having to make decisions about finances, housing, work and career options, legal issues, and continuing to parent can, at times, seem impossible.

For parents, being aware that these confusing and mixed emotions are natural, can be the first step to getting through the process for themselves and their children. The second step is seeking out one's own personal and extended family support system, support groups, teachers and caregivers for the children, professional counsellors, mediators, and a legal support system to help you through the process. This is also a time of tremendous stress and having a stress management system in place is essential. If you don't think you have good stress management skills, you may wish to consider taking a course in this area.

Secondly, recognize that while you may still harbour feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment toward your ex-partner around relationship issues, it is important to separate those relationship issues from your role as parents. Children love both of their parents, and with the exception of abusive situations, children need to maintain this strong bond with both parents. Helping children maintain a healthy relationship with both parents means telling children it is okay to love both you and the other parent. It also means encouraging children to spend time with the other parent and supporting each other's discipline in front of the children. If there are concerns about any aspects of discipline, discuss these concerns privately, just as you would if you were still living together.

A part of demonstrating to children that while you are no longer a couple, you will both continue to be parents, is to sit down with the children and tell them about the separation.

Telling the children

For most parents, telling the children about the separation is particularly tough. For some, their own emotions about the separation and divorce surface when they even think about telling the children. For other parents, there is an understandable uncertainty about what and how to tell the children. For children to feel as secure as possible, they need information about the changes that will be occurring in their lives. Their fears about what is going on when not told are often far worse than knowing what is actually going on.

Ideally, it is best if parents sit down with their children together and share the information about the separation. Later, parents can speak with each child individually, listen for specific concerns and perhaps share additional information that is appropriate to their age level and level of understanding. The following is some of the information children need to hear.

What children need to hear from parents

• Children need to hear that parents love them -- over and over and over again --  and children need to experience that parental love, in a healthy way.
• Children need to hear that while your feelings for each other have changed, your feelings of love for them will never change.
• They need to hear that because of this parental love, both parents will continue to be involved in their lives by spending time with them and doing as many of the same activities with them as possible.
• That while mom and dad will not be living together anymore, the children's relationships with siblings, grandparents and other relatives will remain the same.
• Children need to know that they have neither said nor done anything that caused the separation.
• That you are sorry that the decision to separate is causing them feelings of hurt and anger.
• Tell them about plans for school, extra-curricular activities, and continued friendships.
• It is also important to be honest. If you do not have an answer, simply say, “We don't know yet, but, as soon as we do, we will let you know.”

Telling children, and most importantly listening to children, about the separation issues is a difficult task. Remember, there is also no right way for children to respond to this information. Some children will respond with questions immediately, while for others, questions will come later.

Children's emotional responses will also vary behaviorally. Some children will cry, some will withdraw silently, some will have temper tantrums or exhibit powerful expressions of anger. The first step in helping children through the divorce process is to accept that these emotional and behavioral responses are natural. Listen to how they are feeling and don't judge their feelings as right or wrong—simply listen and gain an understanding of how they feel. This process will enhance your relationship with your children.

Setting limits on behaviour

While listening to children's feelings is important, it is also important that parents continue to set limits on how children behave with those feelings. Often, parental guilt can also interfere with healthy discipline. Parents often experience tremendous guilt about the separation, about what they can or cannot provide for their children as a consequence of the separation, and may rescue children from responsibilities or ignore behavioural problems. Children of all ages, with parents living in the same home or separate homes, need clear limits. Clear limits provide a dependable, safe, secure environment.

Spend time alone with each child

Spending time alone with each child provides an opportunity for children to share experiences and feelings without the worry of their siblings hearing. It also provides an opportunity to offer reassurance that family ties exist. Whether the activities are as simple as grocery shopping, reading bedtime stories, or a very special event, time alone with a parent helps children feel important to them.

Communicate and cooperate with the other parent

Children, to feel secure, need to know that the two people in the world who are responsible for their lives can communicate and cooperate with each other. When parents argue, particularly if the argument is related to issues about themselves such as child support, visitation, or discipline issues, believe that they have “caused” the argument and experience unnecessary guilt. This is an unfair burden and needs to be avoided.

Children of separation and divorce can and do grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. It is not the divorce per se that is troubling to children in the long run, it is how the significant adults in their lives handle the divorce. A divorce that is handled by those adults in a realistic and thoughtful manner can, in fact, teach children how to handle a life crisis and transition in a healthy manner, thus, preparing them for other life transitions.

This article first appeared in Family Connections (Summer 1996), published by the BC Council for Families.