BC Council for Families

by Carolyn M. Usher

Carolyn M. Usher was Director, Affiliate Operations, for the BC Council for Families and is the author of Are You Losing Control? The Common Sense Guide to Parenting Teens.

We only have to look at a class photo of same-age kids in the pre-teen years to realize how much variability there is in their physical size, appearance, and sexual development. What is even more variable is what's going on inside them —their emotional, cognitive, and social development. Even within the same child, development in each of these areas does not progress evenly. It is quite normal, for example, to have an 11 year old who is as tall as a 14 year old but has the emotional needs of an 8 year old.

People often base assumptions about a child's maturity on that child's physical size or social skills. Thus, the big 11 year old is expected to behave as responsibly as his 14 year old cousin. Or the 8 year old with highly developed social skills who behaves like a 12 year old is expected to have the physical coordination of that age. Parents sometimes fall into the trap of expecting similar maturity of siblings when they reach the same age. Thus, if Darcy easily mastered gear changes on the dirt bike at 10, why can't Leo get it? Or if Charlene was a capable babysitter at 11, why can't Lana handle it at the same age?

However, each child is an original—there's no sense in comparing them to each other. By understanding that children's development in each of these four areas (cognitive, physical, social, and emotional) progresses independently, parents can look at each child as unique and gear their expectations to that child alone.

Cognitive development

By cognitive development we mean the ability of the child to think things through, to process information.

From concrete to abstract

Very young children are concrete thinkers. This means they collect facts but don't interpret them. For example, they know that Kirsten is white, Harjit is brown, and Jamal is black. These are just facts. By eight or nine however, they start becoming capable of abstract thought, meaning that they can play around with facts and ideas. They begin to see these facts as differences and then to attach values to those differences—this is equal or better or lesser. The meaning that children give to differences is influenced by their family, their culture, and their community.

Parents are role models

As children are learning what values to attach to the differences they see around them, parents are their key role models. Children learn from what we tell them, but more than that, they learn from what we do. They learn both the good and the bad.

For example:

•      If we treat everyone with respect, children learn to respect others.
•      But if we treat people differently according to their race or sex or age, children learn prejudice too.
•      If we unwind after work by going for a vigorous walk, children learn that exercise relieves stress.
•      But if we relax by popping open a beer or pouring a glass of wine, children learn that they will need alcohol to relax too.

Fortunately, children have many influences and don't necessarily inherit all our bad habits, but it's important for parents to realize that we are a powerful role model in their lives.

Teaching them to think

Thinking is as natural as breathing. But just as athletes or singers learn to breathe more effectively, we can all learn to expand our thinking skills so that we can make better decisions for ourselves. One way to help our children do this is to ask questions that help them think things through for themselves, instead of always telling them what to do.

For example:

Instead of saying: “You can't sign up for volleyball because you already play soccer and have Girl Guides.”
Try asking: “How would you find time for volleyball when you already have soccer and Girl Guides?” Suggest they get the volleyball practice/game schedule and compare it to their current schedule of activities. Ask them to come up with a plan that includes how they will get to and from practices and games.

There will always be times when the parent must simply say, “No,” but when possible, give them alternatives to choose from, rather than making the decision for them.

For example:

Instead of: “No, you can't play volleyball because you're already too busy.”
Try: “You could play volleyball, but our lives are already so busy that you will have to give up either soccer or Girl Guides first. You need to think this through carefully.”

When children are trying to make a decision, help them brainstorm the pros and cons. Again, instead of telling them what the pros and cons are, use questions to stimulate their own thinking.

For example:

•     What do you like the most about volleyball or soccer or Girl Guides?
•     Is there anything you would miss if you quit soccer or Girl Guides?
•     Why do you want to play volleyball so much?
•     If you quit soccer, what will happen to the registration fees we've already paid?
•     If you quit Girl Guides will that mean you can't go to summer camp either?

Help them write down the pros and cons of each decision, thinking about the long and short term consequences.

The objective in teaching kids to think for themselves, is to teach them a process that includes:

•     brainstorming options
•     considering the pros and cons of each option
•     looking at both the short and long-term consequences of each
•     making a good decision for themselves
•     learning from the consequences of their decision

Making decisions

An important part of the learning to think process is learning from our decisions. In the example above, if Jamie quits Girl Guides it also means that she loses the opportunity to go camping with the group. Jamie may be very unhappy when summer comes and she can't go camping with the Guides, but she may not. With children all developing at individual rates, Jamie may have become bored with her Guide group because her development has surged ahead of her peers.

But whether they are happy or unhappy with their decisions, it is important for children to have the opportunity to make a variety of decisions for themselves so they can learn from the results.

Learning from consequences

As children move from being concrete thinkers to abstract thinkers, they become capable of predicting results and considering options. They become more creative and start using information they've gathered from one experience, to predict what will happen in another situation.

For example:
Jamal refuses to eat lunch before his family leaves on an afternoon-long bike trip. His father suggests that Jamal pack it up and take it along for later, but Jamal refuses.

If Jamal finds that he is very hungry on the bike trip and realizes that he should have eaten his lunch or packed it along, he will have information he can use in decision making about eating at another time. But if Jamal's dad has insisted on packing the lunch along for him, Jamal will have missed a learning opportunity.

Many parents complain that their children are not responsible because they continually lose their belongings or don't take care of them. But, most children learn exactly what they are taught, and when parents continually replace the things their children lose or break, children are being taught that someone will always do that for them. They only learn responsibility by truly being responsible for the consequences of their own behaviour.

For example:
If Katrina forgets her baseball glove at the playground and it is not there the next day, her parents have two options:

•     replace the glove
•     sympathize with Katrina but let her know that she will have to save her allowance to get a new one

They might offer her opportunities to earn extra money by doing extra duties, but replacing the glove is clearly Katrina's responsibility.

Whenever possible, children should learn best from the natural consequences of their behaviour—that is, the results that naturally flow from their behaviour, like having to replace something they have lost, themselves. However, natural consequences are not always possible.

For example:
The natural consequence of riding his bike on the highway, might be that Jeffrey is hit by a car.

Since this is not the consequence that his parents want Jeffrey to experience, they need to devise a logical consequence. This logical consequence should be as closely related as possible to the behaviour that his parents are trying to stop.

For example:
There is no tie-in between the highway and the television, so it would make no logical sense for the consequence of riding his bike on the highway to be that Jeffrey cannot watch television that night. However, it would make logical sense for the consequence of riding his bike on the highway to be that he cannot ride his bike for a period of time.

Practising good decision making

If children are going to learn how to make good decisions they need lots of practice. Parents can provide this experience in ways that are appropriate for each age.

For example:

•      at four, Dara was offered the choice between two or three t-shirts each morning
•      at six, Dara chose anything she wanted from her drawers each morning
•      at eight, Dara had her own clothing allowance which she spent under her parents supervision
•      at twelve, Dara was in complete control of her own clothing purchases

Kids will make mistakes, we all do. When that happens it's important for parents to be sympathetic, but simply allow the consequences of that decision to teach its own lesson. It is better they learn decision-making skills from little mistakes that won't really harm them, than from big ones that might.

Sibling wars

Much of the time, children's real objective in fighting is to draw you, the parent, into their world. They want YOU to step in and say they are right. If possible, they would really like you to step in and make their brother or sister simply disappear! The best way to deal with children's fighting is usually to keep yourself out of the picture by ignoring them. But to safely do that you first need to make sure no one is likely to get hurt.

Evaluate how serious it is

Squabbling: This is the normal, ongoing, back-and-forth nattering that siblings do. Ignore it.
 

Serious arguing: At this stage they are angry and may need your help. Acknowledge their feelings (i.e. Don't try to convince them they don't really hate their brother. At the moment they do.) and have them go through the conflict resolution process that follows. If necessary, have them spend some quiet time in separate rooms for a while before they try to resolve the conflict.
 

Dangerous fighting: When children are in danger of actually hurting each other, a parent needs to wade in and separate them. Once they've calmed down in separate rooms, lead them through the steps of conflict resolution.

The above is an excerpt from Parenting Pre-Teens…8 to 12 years olds, they're all orginals, published by the BC Council for Families.