BC Council for Families

by Bob Finlay

 A healthy alternative for families in conflict

The atmosphere is thick with tension. Joan and Earl (a fictitious couple) are sitting across from me in my office embroiled in yet another go-nowhere argument. Each has brought a long list of unresolved issues and complaints about the other. Beneath the anger I sense the pain of their hopelessness and despair as they battle it out. Joan talks about her worries about the children because they have witnessed the yelling and screaming on more than one occasion. Earl begins to look sad as he recalls and relates some childhood memories wondering aloud whether he is repeating the same old patterns that didn't work for his parents.

Joan and Earl are not unique. Getting stuck in conflict sometimes seems as common as catching a cold. Families in conflict often report a similar experience to having a cold. They feel lousy and they believe that they have little direct control in making themselves better. The attitude is typically one of waiting until the symptoms subside, then getting back to doing the same old thing. Occasionally, the conflicts escalate to the point where the family decides to consult a counsellor or therapist.

Healthy family functioning is significantly affected by our ability to manage our differences constructively. In any intimate relationship, the honeymoon ends eventually and is often replaced by an awareness of and focus on differences. The relationship may then become vulnerable to the viruses of criticism, judgments and resentments. Our collective failure as a society to address these differences constructively is evidenced by the many accounts of domestic violence. Unfortunately, most of us were not taught in school or at home about how to manage intense, negative emotions and how to negotiate respectfully with others. Most of us fly by the seat of our pants and learn the hard way.

Solution-focused conflict resolution is a practical method that helps families get results fairly quickly, usually in one to six sessions. Families are taught concepts and skills derived from the literature on family systems, conflict resolution and solution-focused therapy. These concepts and skills help them deal constructively with the conflicts that arise out of the problems of daily living. Families learn to create positive cycles of interaction and maintain them over time.

These are three primary concepts and skill sets that are woven into the fabric of solution-focused work with families in conflict.

1. Eliminating the blame game
Typically, family members in conflict become locked into power struggles, blaming and reacting negatively to each other. These struggles tend to be circular in nature, like a cat chasing its tail. The repetitive process of attack and counter-attack begins to erode feelings of goodwill, closeness and trust, leaving the foundation of the relationship on shaky ground.

Family members are first taught to identify the thoughts, feelings and behaviours associated with being in the negative cycle. This is presented in a non-blaming way to the family by helping each member identify their role in maintaining the negative cycle. Family members then begin to view the negative processes as something that is created by everyone in the family. Solutions come to be perceived as emerging from the collective strength of the family as opposed to fixing the troublemakers in the group. Often the family will be asked to imagine what they would be like together without the negative cycle. This question helps them begin to focus on their goals and how they want to interact differently.

It is also important that family members become aware of the early warning signs that a negative cycle is about to start. This helps them interrupt negative patterns at an earlier stage and take action to do something more constructive.

2. Getting below the surface
Negative conflict cycles often block the ability of family members to perceive each other's underlying emotional needs, wishes, hopes and fears. The metaphor of an iceberg illustrates this concept. The tip of the iceberg above the surface represents the power struggle, the anger and the attack-counterattack cycle. Family members are encouraged to go below the surface of their experience and explore the “softer” feelings of hurt, sadness and fear that arise from unmet emotional needs such as security, belonging and intimacy.

As members are encouraged to voice what they most need from each other and listen effectively, the way is opened for a healing experience. At this point, the family usually begins to relax and to feel closer. Feelings of goodwill and trust begin to return along with greater honesty and directness in giving feedback to each other. Whenever possible, constructive changes in behaviour that emerge in the family sessions are highlighted and reinforced. Family members learn that individual positive change in behaviour contributes to collective positive cycles of interaction.

3. Creating differences that make a difference
The creation and maintenance of new more constructive patterns of family interaction involve identification and focus on solutions. Anything that is perceived by the family as helpful in reducing negative conflict cycles and enhancing closeness becomes the focus of our discussion. Spending more time together, learning to talk and listen effectively and managing negative emotions constructively are examples of changes that are mapped out by the family in detail and developed into solutions. Families are helped to identify what each member needs to do differently. The metaphor of throwing a stone into a pond creating a “ripple effect” is utilized as a way of illustrating that when each member focuses on one or two positive changes, waves of change flow throughout the family system touching all family members.

One of the most important aspects of this phase of our work together is developing a plan for the maintenance of change. Typically, we talk about what could happen to throw the family off track, what the early warning signs of trouble might be and how to get back on track quickly after a setback.

In our experience, families who successfully integrate and utilize these concepts and skill sets become stronger and more cohesive as a unit. They tend to be able to focus on solutions and problem solving leaving more time and energy for intimacy, fun and creative learning.

Bob Finlay, MA, is a registered Family Therapist with the Canadian
and American Associations of Marriage and Family Therapy. He and his
wife Judi are in private practice in Port Coquitlam, BC. Bob is also a
member of the Solutions Group, a group of private therapists who
specialize in brief, solution-focused therapy.