BC Council for Families

by Karen Henderson

Karen Henderson is the founder of the Caregiver Network Inc., providing information and support to caregivers across Canada. Karen, an informal caregiver herself for over 14 years, recently stared another company called How to Care. For more information and useful resources related to caregiving, visit www.caregiver.on.ca or www.howtocare.com

Caring for family members today exacts a tremendous toll, both emotionally and physically. Many caregivers, for example, have difficulty accepting the realization that their loved one is deteriorating or suffering. They may worry that they will fail as a caregiver. Many must manage this duty on top of tending to immediate family and careers. If faced with financial constraints, there are often few or no options for respite. Caregivers must deal with these fears and concerns as they wrestle with the uncertainty about what to do or how to seek the best advice. Inevitably, they find themselves suffering from burnout, depression and guilt.

At some point, caregivers need to pull back and gain some objectivity, whether they do so on their own or through someone else, like a friend or a professional in the field. You can support caregivers by helping them keep the following in mind:

1) Set limits around the caregiving process. This doesn't happen overnight. Caregivers need to determine what they are capable of or comfortable with, and this happens only through experience. Once the limits are established, the caregiver can take the necessary steps to ensure proper care is provided.

2) Realize and accept that we operate both emotionally and intellectually. Emotions can get the better of us when we are stressed or overtired, so caregivers should not be too critical of their actions or reactions.

3) Learn that they need to act as advocates for themselves, as well as for the care-receiver. Caregivers have their own needs and rights.

4) Caregivers need to admit when they need help. They should not be martyrs. Notorious for trying to do everything themselves, caregivers may require prompting to learn about and use available resources or support. For example, learning about Personal Response Services, support groups, nursing services, etc.

5) Learn how to ask questions constantly. “I don't know” is a legitimate starting point to begin gaining knowledge and finding the answers they need.

6) Caregivers need to consider that love may be doing what people need, not always what they want. This is particularly hard for someone who is directly involved in the situation. Sometimes what is truly in the best interest of the care-receiver or the caregiver may not be the “preferable” or “easy” option.

7) It is important to have a degree of normalcy outside of the caregiving experience. Caregivers need to maintain their own health and lifestyle, friendships and activities.

8) Remember that while professionals can offer sound advice, other caregivers are the best source of unconditional support. Caregivers can not only learn from other's experiences, but they will comfort and identify with each other as well.

This article originally appeared in Lifeline Connections for the Professional (Spring, 2000), published by Lifeline Systems Canada. Reprinted with permission.