BC Council for Families

by Gwenn Cutler

“Why must he wear that cap at the dinner table?”

“What do you mean you can't go shopping because it's Sunday?”

“How can you say that to me? I would never have spoken to my mother like that.”

“Over my dead body will you move in with your girlfriend.”

“Do you think we never had marriage problems? We stuck with it and so should you.”

“Now let me get this right. You are unmarried, you've just been called to the Bar, you're pregnant by choice and you intend raising the child on your own.”

These statements, or their like, could be excerpted from thousands of heated conversations in families all over the country. They are conversations between the generations and while the current argument may be over a circumstance or behaviour, the issue is most often a difference in values. If we are parents, we are at a loss to understand how our children could possibly behave or think in direct conflict with what we thought we had taught them. If we are children, even adult children, we find ourselves defending our own values in the face of a parent or a child who challenges what we have always held to be true.

Impasse? Probably--at least for a while, maybe forever. There is no clear method for getting past generational value differences in families. Some are cleared up simply because the issue is not important enough to pursue. The cap comes off, the shopping trip is rearranged and peace reigns without anyone having had to delve into the underlying values causing the disagreement.

Which may be a shame because the discussions held around these minor conflicts could well serve as rehearsals for when thornier value issues create rifts in intergenerational understanding and tolerance. For these conflicts a clearer understanding of values adds to our chances of coming to a resolution or at least being able to close the matter without continuing rancour.

“Values” can mean either the cast-in-stone principles by which we guide our society so we can live together in relative safety and peace, or the merit or worth we attach to different aspects of our human condition and day-to-day activities. Most of our behaviours reflect our values, some do not. As we reach adulthood and move into maturity we more easily identify those values that make our lives more successful and meaningful. Our behaviour supports those values and our attachment to them strengthens.

We pass along those values by example and by teaching to our children. Our children may or may not accept them. The conditions of their lives and day-to-day activities may be different than those that influenced our attachment to our chosen values. What is a successful and meaningful life to them may be radically different than what it is to us. The enthusiasm, naivete and experimental nature of youth may also mean that our children more often behave “out of synch” with their emerging values. Younger children may not have identified their values and may simply rebel at parental control.

The most difficult of the intergenerational value wars are often fought over morality issues. For most parents and grandparents, getting married was paramount to a social necessity. A marriage, sanctioned by the state, and often God, was forever...regardless of almost anything save death. Sexual activity was admitted to only in marriage and even then, only evidenced by children. To them, the seeming casualness of some of the younger generation's coupling, uncoupling and reproduction may be not only mystifying, but deeply offensive.

To them, the rationale that economic, spiritual, and social survival is entirely possible outside marriage is not likely to be immediately understood. That the institution that they held to be nurturing is viewed by their children as thwarting the individual growth of the partners is incomprehensible. That sex is considered acceptable outside of committed relationships and is spoken of with candour may not be accepted. That single women may conceive, bear and raise children without social censure by their peers violates what they thought to be safe and sensible as well as moral and right.

The social, economic, medical and political realities that shape the values of the younger generation are much different than those of previous generations. As well, their perception of marriage may be jaundiced by those marriages they have observed that remained intact only because of a blind obedience to social convention, rather than by any benefit to the partners. They identify as hypocritical, sexual morals that seemed to be held up in public more often than in private.

These are among the issues that are difficult to come to terms with objectively. Entered into the family dynamic, they provide the ammunition for battles of heroic magnitude. Just the threat of conflict this severe, can cause the parties to quit the field before resolution is reached and withdraw from relationships that are important to them.

Perhaps the most universal of values are those that sustain our basic human individual and relationship needs. When faced with traumatic family disputes, reminding ourselves of those values and needs helps ground our resolution process.

As healthy human beings we need to be able to feel good about ourselves. We need to have dignity and self-esteem. We need to feel that we have power over our own lives and are able to make our own choices. We need to be able to give and receive respect and love.

When we enter conflict that we truly want to resolve, we must remember that these are both our needs and the needs of our opponent. We must remember that we love not only because of, but also in spite of, another's behaviours and values. We also need to remember that values do change in response to changing social and environmental realities. Are we clinging to values that were set in order to support circumstances that no longer exist? Is the behaviour that created the conflict truly value-based, or may it change given a loving, supportive and non-judgmental environment? And finally, if we must compromise our own values in order to accept the situation that exists and maintain the familial relationship, what will the effect be on our own aspirations for a successful and meaningful life?

Conflict is the stuff that resolutions are built on, and as long as there are families there will be conflicts over issues that arise from value differences. We all have the strength to bring them to closure and the love that makes the fight worthwhile.

Gwenn Cutler is a consultant to non-profit organizations, primarily
in the area of policy and organizational management and development.
This article first appeared in Family Connections, published by the BC Council for Families.