BC Council for Families

by Rosanne Farnden Lyster

Strengthening your relationship is the first step to making the transition from being a couple to becoming parents

True or false? “It is important for couples parenting infants and young children to work on strengthening their relationship.” How would you respond to that statement? I bet you would prefer a “true, but” category. How about the following statement, “One of the best ways couples can prepare for parenthood is to strengthen their own relationship.” True or false?

As a family life educator, I am committed to the belief that through education and information, people can be empowered to enrich and enhance their relationships and their families. Most of my professional career (and I say this consciously as I have several careers, the most salient at the moment being motherhood) has been dedicated to the ideals of marriage preparation and marriage enrichment. Indeed most of my seven years on staff with the BC Council for Families were spent trying to convince people that taking the time to build a strong marriage is essential. Key, in fact, to marital success.

Outside the Council, both with my husband Jim and on my own, I taught marriage preparation classes—helping couples make a healthy transition to marriage. Throughout it all, we attempted to apply what we were teaching to our own relationship. And so, we know that while building a strong marriage is not easy, it is worth the work you put into it. But how does all of this impact on the next transition in the lives of many couples—the transition to parenthood?

When I was first asked to consider sharing my thoughts on the topic of “How does all that marriage stuff apply to your new life parenting infant twins,” my instant response was laughter. Ha ha ha! Where in this sleep-deprived haze was I supposed to find the time to even acknowledge my husband, yet alone try to apply all our good relationship skills? Between breastfeeding and supplemental feeds; coming up with interesting, yet safe finger foods; being alert to potential allergies; changing diapers; playing with babies; soothing babies; bathing babies; walking babies; taking pictures and keeping our families up to date; dealing with endless piles of laundry; adjusting to the financial stress that babies and one less income bring; attending medical appointments and meeting our own basic needs—hah! Work on building our marriage too? There just are not enough hours in the day.

And then, almost as quickly as I had laughed, reality struck. I realized that there are simply not enough hours in the day to NOT work on strengthening our relationship. For now, we are not just a couple, we are parents—coworkers in this mission of raising our children. Becoming parents brings a whole new dimension to our marriage.

Adjustment to marriage is one thing. Granted, it is not easy, and like any major life transition it brings endings, chaos and new beginnings. As a marriage begins, we have clear rituals (i.e. a wedding) to show that change is happening and adjustments will need to occur. Furthermore, the transition to marriage doesn't just happen overnight. It usually comes with that vacation we call a honeymoon, which is there both to mark, and ease, the transition. Then, throughout the next months the transition continues, hopefully in a healthy fashion.

The adjustment to parenthood is a similar, yet very different story. For starters, there is no vacation! And becoming a parent is rather sudden. While there are typically nine months of pregnancy to anticipate parenthood, few couples spend that time in conscious preparation to become parents. Instead, just like all too many couples preparing for marriage who spend the whole time planning an event—the wedding—many parents-to-be spend the pregnancy acquiring goods and preparing for another event—the birth. This is not, in and of itself, bad. We need to spend time getting together all the necessary apparatus and setting up the nursery. Most couples attend prenatal classes to ensure a healthy pregnancy and safe birth and we do know that the birth experience can have a significant impact on the parenting relationship. But suddenly, the baby arrives, and boom—you are parents! Is this something you can really prepare for?

I have come to believe that perhaps the best preparation couples can have for parenthood is to build a strong and healthy relationship. Reflecting back on the time since the birth of Margaret and Jeremy, and also over the eight months of my pregnancy, I can see now that the smoothest times were the ones where we consciously used our marriage building skills. The roughest times were the ones where all those skills and attitudes of appreciation, care and respect went right out the window. Sure, we read books on infant and childcare and assessed parenting theories and strategies. I wish, in fact, that we had made more time to do that together. We observed our friends and family as they parented their children, and considered the pros and cons of their varied approaches. I even belong to an Internet chat group where we share parenting ideas and concerns.

But all of this information is nothing until we, as a couple and as a parenting team, choose and apply what makes sense for our family. For this we need all of those skills and healthy attitudes that we taught and were taught in marriage programs.

Roles, expectations and tasks

Just as marriage brought on the new roles of husband and wife, the transition to parenthood brings with it the new roles of mother and father. One of the early and ongoing tasks in this adjustment to parenthood is to define what it means to be a parent, and more specifically, what it means to be a mother or father. Most people do that, at least at some basic level. The problem, however, is that we usually don't get around to sharing our ideas with our spouse. The result? Unclear roles that lead to different and undeclared expectations as well as unmet needs. This is not an equation for healthy family life.

Few of us can function well when we don't know what is expected of us. Few of us are happy with our mate when we think they are not pulling their weight, or at least are not doing what we think they should. None of use could ever predict all the new tasks that come along with parenting.

Trying to sort out roles, expectations and tasks is not easy. For starters, each partner has their own family history that includes a variety of parenting models. Added to this are varied histories outside of their families of origin. Books, movies and friendships are some of the media that influence what we think and feel. Clarifying roles and expectations often brings up a lot of emotional baggage because of all the personal history that is involved. Sorting it all out requires effective communication skills.

I have asked other parents of young children about their experiences. A common emotion that is experienced, in varying degrees, is that of resentment towards their partner. This resentment typically arises because assumptions are made, roles and expectations aren't clarified, and anticipated follow-through doesn't take place. If you read John Gottman's book Marriages That Succeed, he presents four horsemen (factors) that destroy marriages: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. All four of these can be triggered by resentment. Quite simply, resentment destroys relationships and it wounds families. How can you work together as a parenting team, let alone function as a loving couple, when you feel resentment towards one another? We either need to prevent resentment from happening, or use it as a warning flag that something needs to be addressed—pronto!

In my own experience, I know that when I use “I” statements and speak for myself, being clear about my ideas, wants and needs, Jim is far more likely to understand where I am coming from. When he does the same, I am more able to listen to him. Feeling that you've been heard and understood as well as listening and understanding are key to establishing roles, clarifying expectations, assigning tasks and warding off resentment.

One of the things we are trying to put into practice is a “weekly meeting.” On Sunday nights, the beginning of our week, we try to look ahead to what is coming down the pike. Who needs to be where and when? When might tasks like grocery shopping fit in? (note: It is nigh on impossible for one person and two babies to do a complete grocery shop.) What will Jim's work schedule look like? As a parish priest, Jim's schedule is quite flexible—but it does mean that he is busy a lot of evenings. Are there several nights in a row that he will be out? If so, shall we ask someone to assist in putting the babies to bed one or two nights? His schedule can also change quickly. For instance, if someone dies the whole week needs to be renegotiated. Thus flexibility, within limits, is key. When will I complete my work? When will we get time for ourselves—for us as a couple—for the family?

Good communication is also key in keeping one another up to date on Margaret and Jeremy's development. We consciously try to let the other know about patterns, trends and new developments we are noticing, so that neither is left out of the excitement.

The outsiders who come in

Becoming parents means that you not only bring a new baby (or in our case babies) into your family. Scores of others now infiltrate the hallowed halls of your relationship. Public health nurses, lactation consultants, doctors and pediatricians, are just some of professionals who become a regular part of your life. Parents who have now become grandparents, siblings who are now aunts and uncles, godparents, friends, etc., all take on new dimensions with the arrival of children.

It is important for couples to establish boundaries around their relationship and to determine how permeable those boundaries might be. Privacy as a couple takes on new meaning—and it is often important to clarify just what is and isn't private. How open is your house to others? How open is your life? How willing are you to allow others to assist you in raising your children?

We were very fortunate to have our parents with us for the first two months that Margaret and Jeremy came home. I can hear people gasping already. Yikes! Two months! I don't know what we would have done without them. Fortunately, they were sensitive to our needs to establish a new family unit and, by taking on many of the household tasks, actually freed us up to focus our energy where it needed to be—on the babies, and on ourselves.

Not everybody has this experience. Sometimes grandparents and other well-meaning friends and relatives are experienced as intruders, meaning that boundaries have to be re-clarified over and over again. Never a comfortable task, it is, however, essential to the ongoing health of your new family's life.

Conflict resolution

The level of transition and change that new babies bring into a family means that conflict is going to be a reality. Couple this with the likely presence of sleep deprivation, the possibility of postpartum depression, and the potential feelings of being overwhelmed and perhaps inadequate as parents and you have the ingredients for disaster. At some point, new parents have to ask themselves, “Is the tension I am feeling the result of a real issue, or is something else going on?” While conflict is present in all relationships (it is just more silent in some than in others), it is more prevalent at times of transition. If resentment, frustration, anger, fear are present, then you know something is wrong and needs to be addressed. So what do you do? Lash out at your spouse, dissolve into tears, sink into despair or attempt creative problem solving and conflict resolution?

Crying has its place, but the healthiest thing to do is address the conflict and move on. In order to do this, couples need a concrete method for solving problems and resolving conflict. While there are many different models one can use, the most important step is accurately identifying what is problematic or conflictual. If this isn't done, circles are run and nothing gets resolved. A common outcome is the loss of hope.

I asked the moms on my Internet group, other friends, as well as couples who belong to the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment (ACME) who are parenting young children to share some of their thoughts with me on this stage of the family life cycle. All of them pointed to the need for a positive means of addressing conflict and problems. Their advice? Don't let problems fester; address them as soon as you can. And secondly, from a very early age, let your kids see that conflict is okay—that it can be used for good.

Howard Markman and his associates at the University of Denver have been conducting some long-term studies comparing couples who took their conflict resolution program (PREP) with those who had not. Their findings are fascinating. The PREP couples had a significantly lower divorce rate, expressed higher marital satisfaction, experienced less violence, and, more poignantly for our discussion at hand, their children had higher levels of self-esteem. Good conflict resolution skills are a key to effective parenting.

Time for us

In the midst of all the demands that parenting brings, it is all too easy for couples to become two ships that pass in the night. Grunts over breakfast and negotiations over whose turn it is to change a toxic diaper don't build a strong parenting relationship. Making time for each other does. And this is not easy to do. It seems that many couples never seem to find the time for each other. Well, quite simply, healthy relationships are not found. They are made. Couples need to make time for each other, aside from the parenting relationship—even if it is just a few minutes here and there. The couples that I consulted with all agreed on this point. You have to make time. Many suggest sharing childcare with another couple that you trust. One couple from ACME take their two-year-old her to daycare early one day a week so that they can have a lunch date.

Jim and I have found that time for us is hard to come by, especially with our family and closest friends all living on the coast, while we live on the prairies. Add breastfeeding on demand into the formula and you have a problem, but not one without solutions. At 3 a.m., after both babies are finally back to sleep can be a good time for us to catch up with one another. One day a week after school we book a local student to come over so that I can have time for myself, and we can have time together—even if we just go downstairs to our office and chat. We have also been fortunate that people from our churches offer to care for our children while we go out for lunch—or take an opportunity to run errands together. And then there is that age-old strategy—if your babies sleep in the car, go for a drive. Voila! Couple time!

Can you prepare?

Coming back full circle to the question, “Can you prepare for parenting?” The answer, quite simply, is “Yes!” Reading books on parenting and childcare, attending seminars and programs, discussing issues with family and friends, spending time with children, and pursuing some of the new information venues offered by the Internet are all means that will help one to prepare to be a parent. Will you ever be fully prepared? No. And because of this, one of the best things a couple anticipating parenthood can do is to work on building a strong and satisfying relationship with each other.