BC Council for Families

by Lynda Lougheed

Let's place more emphasis on family functioning as opposed to family structure

Divorce and separation affect the lives of an ever-increasing proportion of families. Some believe that up to 45% of all new marriages in Canada will end in divorce.

As a consequence of these high divorce rates, family structure has dramatically changed. It has been suggested that in the not-too-distant future, the traditional nuclear family will not be the prevalent family form.

We are sadly lacking in effective interventions that will assist families in constructively dealing with the challenges and transitions that divorce brings.

A Societal Shift

Constructive divorce requires a societal shift. Much of our society still views divorce as a stigmatized event with words and images such as broken home, alienation, dissolution, and division often being used when describing divorce. We idealize the traditional nuclear family yet the divorce transition often viewed as abnormal, messed up, or somehow tragic.

Why do we view different family forms as deviant? Individuals navigating this life transition not only feel the anguish associated with the ending of their marriage, but also carry around the stigma that society places on them. To encourage successful post-divorce functioning, there is a need to rethink the values we as a society hold about divorce and various family forms, and at a more personal level, to look at our own beliefs about families and divorce.

In one way or another, divorce touches many of our lives. Whether we work with families as counsellors, teachers, social workers, or have friends, neighbours, or family members experiencing this life transition, we need to consider what our own attitudes about the ending of a marriage are. Do we believe marriage should be preserved, or do we value autonomy and personal choice in favour of divorce? Do we think families should stay together for the sake of the children? Do we view couples divorcing as de facto proof of failure? Do we consider divorce as a selfish act by an individual? Do we think it is abnormal if a couple remains friendly after a divorce? Being aware of our attitudes may help us approach divorce more objectively and perhaps be of more value to our clients and/or others we know who are experiencing this transition.

Focus on Family Functioning

Another important aspect we need to consider is placing more emphasis on family functioning as opposed to family structure. What is the function of a family? In part, to provide food, clothing, shelter, love, guidance, and security. Should we not be most concerned about whether the family is performing its functions? Is it not possible to accomplish these functions regardless of family structure? We need to remember that families do not (or at least should not) divorce, they change. It is the couple that divorces.

In addition to looking at society's values and our own attitudes, there are a number of other ways that we can help families through this transition. For example, mediation is an important alternative to the court system (except in certain circumstances, such as family violence, when the protection of the court is needed). Mediation can be helpful for couples who are unable to resolve conflicts related to the divorce process such as parenting arrangements and division of assets. Research has shown that couples who used mediation reported less conflict during the divorce, and more contact and communication and a more positive attitude toward the other parent after the divorce. The benefits of resolving conflict through mediation are associated with many positive post-divorce outcomes and often help families recover from the divorce.

Dealing with Fear

Many families who experience the divorce transition are very fearful of their future. They find that old family patterns fail to provide comfort, but new ones have not yet been developed. Divorce counselling can help family members with their fears, providing an opportunity for the couple to adjust to the ending of their marriage. During therapy, couples are assisted in finding ways to understand and separate marital roles from parental roles. Often these roles are blurred in the initial stages of the separation. For example, one parent may be angry about the ending of the marriage and will try to deny visitations with the children to the other parent. Separation of marital and parental roles is a critical part of constructive post-divorce functioning.

Counselling in this area can also help prepare the family prior to the actual physical separation. Children can attend sessions and voice their concerns about the future, or ask questions about the separation, thereby easing some of their fears. Although this type of counselling can be difficult, it can enable couples to end their relationship feeling neither blamed, completely at fault, nor abandoned, which allows them to move into the future with less emotional baggage. In addition, divorce therapy is often beneficial to the individual who did not initiate or perhaps even want the divorce.

There are a number of other factors that need to be considered when we look at the divorce transition. Some of these factors include: How much emotional support does the family have? How helpful or unhelpful are extended family members? What are the economic consequences for all parties? What is the level of conflict between the parents? Do children have access to both mom and dad on some regular basis? What type of parenting plan has been made? What individual coping styles do all of the parties have? Are community services easily available (i.e. support groups)?

Parenting Education Helps

Lastly, parent education can be an important initial step in the separation process.  Information Children (a family service agency) has made an effort to meet some of the needs of divorcing families. Our program operates a parent helpline, conducts parenting groups, publishes a number of pamphlets, and recently began conducting workshops for divorcing individuals.

In these workshops, we cover the emotional stages of separation and divorce, how children are affected and can be helped, “pain games” that parents often fall into during this transition and how to develop a parenting plan. We show videos, provide lots of opportunity for discussion and supply the participants with a comprehensive package of information. We have seen that many parents leave these workshops feeling relieved that they are not alone, that what they are feeling is normal, that there is life after divorce and that they, as well as their children, are much more resilient than they give themselves credit for. We have also noticed that many supportive friendships have been formed in these groups.

Addressing Children's Fears

In addition to the workshops for adults, we have recently started providing sessions for children. Children who experience their parents' divorce have many worries. Many worry about their future, their parents' emotional state, money, that they may never see one parent, their parents' fighting, and that they are responsible for the divorce (i.e. if they had behaved better, mom or dad would not have left). Children's self-esteem is often lowered during this transition. In these workshops, we address their worries and help children find ways to deal with their concerns.

We talk about different family forms, that families are “made up of anyone you love” and that the divorce is not their fault. We look at ways to cope and try to help children come to terms with the losses and changes that divorce brings. We also concentrate on ways to increase their self worth. We have a number of interesting methods for covering these topics such as drawing, performing puppet plays, writing advice columns for other children experiencing similar situations, watching videos, storytelling, and using a “worry box.” Children place all their work, over the eight sessions, into their own special workbook. We encourage children to continue using their books after the series ends, and suggest to both parents and children that these workbooks are a useful way of communicating about the divorce. Without a doubt, these workshops are the most rewarding; we have seen so many constructive changes in these children.

Families are Changing

As a caring society, we need to acknowledge and come to terms with the realities of the changing family form. It is important to consider ways that we can improve the quality of family life no matter how that family is structured. A number of interventions have been briefly touched upon (divorce counselling, mediation, parent education) as a way of assisting couples through the divorce process. The transition from married to single is never an easy journey. Nonetheless, it is important to see divorce as a transition rather than an ending. The more effectively parents can function, the better able all parties, including children of all ages, are to adjust to the divorce transition.

Lynda Lougheed, MSW, is the program coordinator at Information
Children, a non-profit organization that offers counselling, mediation
and workshops to support parents and children during the transition of
separation and divorce.