BC Council for Families

by Rémi Thivierge

Exploring a marriage-counselling model which focuses on long-term improvements to couple relationships.

Divorce is not the easy solution many people think it is! Sadly, many of the people who divorce end up no happier than when they were still married, and many are worse off than before. For example, women with children who remain single after divorce have a very high chance of living below the poverty line.

Unless the situation is really abusive, or has some other contra-indication, it is generally far wiser for couples to work on the relationships they have, rather than giving up when times are tough. This is not the same as saying that people should remain in a relationship even if they are unhappy. Quite the contrary!



Many couples considering separation still have positive feelings about their relationship, although they might be temporarily buried under their negative feelings. A useful question to ask couples when they first complain about their relationship is to what degree, in percentages, they wish to leave and to what degree they wish to stay. This gives you a base line from which to work.



Over the course of our experience providing marriage and family therapy, clinical supervision to professionals in this field, and marriage enrichment workshops, it has become clear to us that the crucial issue in people's lives is how well their needs are looked after. This includes such basic needs as shelter and security, and higher needs such as accomplishment, love, and so on.



As a result of our experience, we have developed a model which focuses on assisting couples to improve their relationships for the long-term, as quickly as possible. In doing so, one must take into consideration the meeting and balancing of needs.

The following four goals form the basis of our work with couples:



Goal #1: To help couples meet personal needs more fully and to balance those with the needs of their relationship.

If either partner's personal needs are not met, for whatever reason, they eventually run out of steam, start going downhill, and function poorly. They may get depressed, their self-esteem may get shaky, or they may start overdoing it in some areas (abusing substances, burying themselves in work, etc.).

People all have their own styles of making things worse for themselves when their needs are not met. On the other hand, if personal needs are looked after, people function a lot better overall.

 As everyone who has been in a relationship past the honeymoon stage knows, it is not possible for a relationship to go well if both individuals focus solely on getting their personal needs met. One of the most crucial things that couples need to learn is to find a balance between meeting their personal needs and meeting the needs of the relationship.



Relationship needs include: communication, compromise, safety within the relationship, running the household, and spending time together (when, with whom, doing what). It also includes finding a balance in the meeting of responsibilities that works for both and that allows for some flexibility. As marriage educators or therapists, we need to help couples prepare for the fact that stability is only temporary at best and that they will have to keep exploring their own changing needs over time.



Couples in successful relationships regularly check with each other to see how each is looking after his or her needs. Further, these couples talk regularly about how well the relationship is functioning. The key to goal #1 is to help couples regulate the balance in meeting personal and relationship needs.



Goal #2: To help couples resolve their negative ways of relating to each other.

This goal brings up the issue of communication and compromise, but it involves much more than that. A major issue here for many couples is that their style of relating to each other is preventing them from arriving at solutions. They may simply argue rather than listen to each other or keep changing the subject rather than focusing in on one or two topics to be resolved. One may simply give in without agreeing but not follow through, and so on.



Helping couples develop effective communication patterns is complex, but essential. Anyone working with couples must familiarize themselves with these common communication issues and be able to offer techniques to help couples overcome them.



Goal #3: To deal with destructiveness.



As Statistics Canada has recently pointed out, 25% of women have experienced violence at some time in their current marital of common law relationships. This is a critical issue that is too often ignored by those working with couples. Each of us must be aware of our limitations when working with couples. If you are not qualified to deal with violence and other destructive behaviours, you must refer the couples to somebody who is better able to assist them.



Our goal here is to help couples learn to not be physically aggressive in any way to each other. You might assist them in reaching this goal in a number of ways. One strategy is to recommend that the couple agree to taking time out rather than arguing when a situation gets too tense. Or you might assist them to make an agreement that, if things go too far between them, a consequence will result. Since violence tends to recur partly because it is kept secret, a consequence could be to let others know that violence has occurred. Other options may include a brief separation or calling the police.

Ideally, the consequence will be one to which both parties have agreed. If the one who does the abusing will not agree to any consequences, the therapist will need to assist the victim to find a solution. If the abuser refuses a consequence and/or if the victim is unwilling or unable to set a consequence, marriage therapy will not work.



In cases where the abused partner wishes to leave the therapist needs to ensure that individual's needs are met as well as possible. Many partners return to abusive situations because they feel that they are unable to make it on their own. This usually translates into financial and emotional support.



Whatever the outcome of interventions, you must ensure that any children are safe and that their emotional needs are being addressed.



Goal #4: To increase the positives in the relationship.

One of the biggest difficulties for couples experiencing discord is that they often stop or deduce doing positive things with and for each other. These positives are the glue that help make relationships feel worthwhile. A positive feeling about the relationship helps couples to overcome their problems. Without the positives, problems appear bigger than they actually are and may take over the relationship.



The fourth goal, then, is to assist the couple to compartmentalize their problems and to build positives. This includes such issues as helping them see that they still care for each other, and helping them talk about what they appreciate and value about each other. This goal also includes helping them reintegrate positive time and activities in their relationship. If they have difficulty thinking of what they would like to do together, you might ask them what they used to do together and for each other that worked well. Suggest that they simply try something new or surprise each other. If one partner is currently feeling too negative about the relationship to work at increasing the positives or even to work on the relationship at all, the other partner can get the ball rolling by increasing the positives on his or her own. This very often gets the partner who is feeling negative turned around before long.