BC Council for Families

by Rosanne Farnden Lyster and Jane Olsen

What lies behind those all-too-common conflicts over money?

Over and over, research studies indicate that money is a source of conflict for couples. One study has shown that more than three-quarters of young couples divorcing before age 30 reported financial problems as the primary cause of their divorce. Another study found one-third of married couples cited money as their #1 issue.

Level of income, however, is usually not a significant variable. Although a major indicator of family strength is having enough income to provide basic necessities, over and above that, the amount of income a couple has is not usually a significant indicator of marital satisfaction.

The reality is that for many couples, money in and of itself is not the issue. In her book Canadian Families Past and Present, Emily Nett suggests that “Couples who fight about money argue more often about how it is to be spent, than about how much they have.” It is the set of symbols that money represents, the values, expectations and personal meaning attached to money that is often the true root of the argument.

Unfortunately, many couples never figure this out. Arguments keep arising about the same issues. Feelings get hurt, anger builds, hope dissipates. What lies behind these conflicts? There are many inter-related pieces of this puzzle.

Planning styles

One piece of the puzzle is different styles of financial planning. Beard and Firebaugh suggest that there are two extremes:

• Morphostatic planners. These folks are oriented to the present. They buy what they want now and don't wait for a sale or even evaluate whether particular purchase is necessary. Morphostatic planners have inflexible standards—they simply want the best. They also tend to be fairly conventional in their buying and planning, operating by a set of rules.
• Morphogenic planners. These people are flexible, wanting as many people as possible involved in the purchasing process. A morphogenic person usually considers all of the possible consequences involved in a particular decision and takes considerable time to reach a conclusion.

What happens when these different types marry? It isn't hard to imagine some of the fights that could develop around financial issues.

Bob: What do you mean you bought a new C.D. player!

Mary: You know I've wanted a new one for a while! I saw this one at the store, it had every feature I wanted, so I bought it.

Bob: But it's not in our budget--and we didn't even talk about it first! You're always buying on impulse!

Mary: Well! If I waited for you to make a decision, there would be a whole new technology developed before we got around to purchasing a new sound system!

And on it would go from there! Bob and Mary probably have a lot of fights about when and how to spend money, and unfortunately, their conflicts are not likely to get resolved.

Values and expectations

But planning styles aren't all that different for this couple. Another piece of the puzzle involves the values and expectations we hold. These are often even stronger sources of conflict than planning styles. In fact, our planning styles are often an outgrowth of the values we hold.

Our values are the standards that we hold—some conscious, others less so. Unfortunately, when you don't know what values you hold, it is difficult, even impossible, to talk to others about them.

Knowing about our values, however, does not necessarily mean that we share them with our mates. In his text, Human Intimacy, Cox says that most couples today pay almost no attention to each other's financial values and history. For many couples, money is even more of a taboo subject than sex. When you get down to it, it's not that surprising. It's not very romantic to talk about your credit history or what you think about debt. Most people assume that the person they love thinks exactly the same way they do about money, and has the same financial goals.

Values are deeply rooted in our history and experience of life. From birth, we begin to learn what is important from our families. The acquisition of values continues on through the schools, groups and teams we belong to, friendship and relationships we are part of. Sometimes others are aware of what they are teaching us. Often they are not.

The media also plays a big role in development of values. Television shows, movies and the advertisements that support these mediums all try to influence us to their advantage.

When it comes to values about money, some people learn the value of thrift. These people take great pride in saving money. Others learn to value extravagance or luxury. One may have learned the value of saving for a rainy day while another learned to live for today.

Differences in values make for conflict. Consider George and Patty purchasing a new car:

George: Our car is getting so old. I saw an ad for a new, really hot model! It's got everything—nice lines, good pick up...

Patty: What's wrong with our car! It's only three years old. It meets my needs!

George: It's getting old—it's rusty. And it hasn't got all the perks of this new model.

Patty: Cars aren't toys George! You have a car to get you from A to B. Our car does this quite well! We haven't saved enough money for a new car!

George: We don't need money—we can lease it! It's great! Look, here's a brochure! Look at this baby!

Patty: Speaking of baby—how are we going to get the kids and all their stuff into that car. It barely has a back seat—let alone any cargo space. Grow up and face reality, George!

George: There you go again, acting all high and mighty. You never listen to my ideas!

Well! What do you think happened in the long run? Did George go out and lease the car on his own? Did they cool down and look at the real issues?

During their discussion, George and Patty revealed many of their values about money. George believes: your car is an extension of your identity/personality; new is better than old; leasing or renting is acceptable. Patty, on the other hand, sees a car as being utilitarian in purpose; believes you save in order to purchase; and possibly that owning is better than renting or leasing. These are pretty drastic value differences. However, if George and Patty can clearly outline these values, the more specific the better, they can at least begin to negotiate. If they aren't clear about the differences, they will just continue having the same arguments. It is also possible that they will sabotage decisions that the other has made, consciously or not.

Think of your last family discussion about money. How did it go? Perhaps you haven't had one in years—it's too touchy! Next time you start talking about money, look at the values behind what's being said. That's the place to start.

Clarify the values you hold as individuals—and the ones you hold together. What values do you agree on? How much freedom is there for differences? What does money symbolize for you? Security, love, power, status, esteem, success, self respect, competence, intelligence, acceptance and lifestyle are some of the more common symbols. Explore how values and symbols create conflict for you as a couple or family.

For example, Sam and Joyce are planning their budget, and once again, the tension is mounting. Joyce wants to double their budget for entertaining and triple the amount they spend on gifts. Sam wants to increase their savings, RRSP contributions and mortgage payments. Neither can see the other's perspective. Sam calls her a “party animal.” She retorts by declaring him an “old maid.” They need to stop and clarify their values.

Joyce grew up in a home where money/material items/ entertaining equalled love and affection. From her perspective, giving gifts and entertaining people are how you show love and affection. For Sam, money is a symbol, or means to ensuring stability for the future. Once they clarify what stands behind their budget ideas, they can understand why their partner wants to allocate money in a given category. Once the values are clear, they can begin to negotiate a financial plan that works well (or as well as possible) for all involved.

Budgets

Sam and Joyce may also hold different ideas about what sticking to a budget means. He may not spend a penny more than is allocated for a particular expense. In contrast, she may make an exception to the budget for what she considers to be a good reason - a great sale for instance. He may value self-control, restraint and self-discipline, while she places less importance on these values. Saving money and being thrifty is what matters to her. For example, Joyce finds a great sale on winter coats—70% off! A new coat isn't in the clothing budget for this year, but will be next year. From her perspective, if she buys the coat now, they can save a lot of money for the long term. Sam thinks you stick to what you have planned, and let next year take care of itself.

In her text, Personal Finance for Canadians, Kathleen Brown suggests that there will be problems in interpersonal relationships until the differences in values are settled. “One way to avoid ongoing arguments over money mattes is to discuss values related to saving and spending at the onset of any serious relationship.” But if your relationship isn't new—don't despair. It's never too late to start. Once you are aware of the values you hold, difference can be seen, and negotiations begun.

What you can do

To begin to assess the values that you hold, and how they might differ from other family members, try this exercise. Each person draws up their ideal budget given the resources that you presently have. Beside each allocation try to identify the values represented. Explore the meaning of money for you—what does it symbolize? Now come together with your spouse or other family members and compare both the budget allocation and the values they represent.

Any surprises? Begin to negotiate the differences and see if you can work together to develop a more creative budget, one that expresses who you are, as individuals and as a family. If talking about issues like money is difficult for you, consider learning more about couple communication skills. Enriching your marriage: relationship exercises for couples, published by the BC Council for Families, has some information on this process. If you want to include other family members in a discussion on finances, consider holding a amily meeting. You might also consider attending a program at your local family services agency or community college.